It’s been more than six months since I have blogged. It seems like an eternity! So much has been going on in the Eclectic Handmade Creations Head Quarters.
Since my last blog post;
- I went back to work full time
- I was plagued by cold & flu after cold & flu
- We lost one of our beloved pets to cancer
- Mr Hubby and I took the next step in trying to start a family, we started seeing a fantastic fertility specialist
- Work got extremely stressful, with a succession of new directors and plans for a major restructure with a lot of potential redundancies
- We had to stop fertility treatment due to the uncertainty regarding job security as a result of the planned restructure
- I got rather sick and was told that I would require surgery
- I ended up taking a redundancy package to help support us while I went through surgery and the recovery period
Despite all of that going on in my life. It still isn’t the reason that I stopped blogging for six months. Yes, all that information that you didn’t really want to know, still doesn’t explain where I have been for the past six months! I have been…
Afraid of giving it a go, afraid of failing, afraid of being wrong, afraid of doing the wrong thing, afraid of achieving success of any kind, only to have it all come crashing down,
To explain, I suffer from a combination of mental illnesses; Depression, PTSD, and multiple varieties of anxiety, some quite severe. This cocktail mix of issues leaves me a bit of a wreck at times. I can get into a state of, what I call paralytic fear. I become so afraid, that I can’t think, I can’t move much, I can’t talk (in a way that anyone other than Mr Hubby has any hope of understanding). I essentially turn into a helpless mess, much like a baby or toddler, except not as cute (but as least I am able to take care of my own basic needs).
For a while creating, blogging, and my dreams and goals for EHC gave me motivation and helped alleviate the anxiety a bit. I was enjoying it, the planning, creating, capturing it, writing about it, sharing and teaching. However, I only have the mental capacity for so much at once and when all those events and issues started going on, I no longer had it in me to continue with EHC. I got inside my head and started to put too much pressure on myself. I started to feel like if I tried to continue with it then I was going to fail, that I would do it all wrong.
To me being wrong/doing the wrong thing, is the worst thing possible. I would rather not try if there is a chance of being/getting it wrong. So I just stopped. I pretended it didn’t exist. Thinking about it made me feel guilty, for walking away and letting everyone down. I felt wrong for not getting it right and like a failure for giving up.
Ironically, creating something is the only time I am not afraid of being wrong. I quite often think/say “It will be alright” (or more accurately “She-be-right”, Aussie slang) when I think; “maybe I should pin that” or “maybe I should check that measurement” or maybe I should test it out first”. I don’t hold myself back from just diving in and giving it a go. Even stranger still, if I get it wrong I don’t stress over it, I learn from it and do better the next time, or even discover new ways of doing things that I would never have thought of otherwise. I have learnt so much about crafts/creating/design by giving something a go and getting it wrong. I have loved every part of it! I just have no idea how to be that relaxed and free in any other area of my life.
The relaxed freedom I feel when creating is the reason I started Eclectic Handmade Creations. I wanted to start working for myself. I wanted to make things and sell them online, I wanted to develop designs and sell the patterns and instructions, I wanted to blog about my creations, teaching others how to create beautiful things, I wanted to film tutorials so that people that don’t learn from reading can learn to make beautiful things too. I wanted to share my passion and my one true gift with as many people as possible through a variety of channels. But… there is more to my dream than just creating! There is insurance, administration, technical gadgetry, marketing, constant promotion (and if you know me, you would know that I am not a “look at me”, “look what I did” kind of person).
So as I sit at home recovering from surgery, looking into the big bad world of job searching, I can’t help but think… If only I could be brave enough to actually do what I want to do.
Thank you for reading, I may write again soon.